For many Children, Negative Emotions are like Blood to a Shark

As parents, we all experience negative emotions--anger, frustration, disappointment--from time to time. It’s absolutely normal and healthy. And it’s probably important for our children to see that we are human and can express our emotions in a healthy way.

But for many children, negative emotions are like blood to a shark. In a way it makes sense. Just about any psychologist can tell you that underneath all negative emotions is fear. And we all know that if you can elicit fear from an “adversary”, you gain a distinct advantage.

I suspect that children understand this on an instinctual level. They learn very quickly how to elicit negative emotions from one or both parents and, as many parents have noticed, will quite often pass up the opportunity to receive a positive emotional response in favor of a negative emotional response.

So, what happens when a child learns that he or she can elicit negative emotions from one or both parents? What can we do as parents? How can we keep our children from making us jump through these emotional hoops?

The short answer is let go of negative emotions. Get therapy, practice yoga, scream into a pillow, do whatever you need to do release negative emotions in a way that is NOT in front of your child. Whatever your child does, remain calm and cool-headed. Remember, when you show anger or frustration, what your child sees is FEAR. In that moment, he or she will instinctively know that he or she has gained the upper hand.
Once this pattern is established, it can be very, very, very tough to break. It will take time and persistence to regain cooperation and trust—trust that you as the parent are in control. The child may continue to push those buttons for some time and may even take more extreme measures to elicit those old emotions.

The best advice I can offer is to not take things too seriously. Try to find the humor in whatever is happening. Keep those boundaries realistic and firm. And always follow through with logical/reasonable consequences when necessary. Sometimes a bit of professional coaching can help to improve communication and "break the cycle" of negative emotions. In just about any circumstance, it’s hard to beat love and affection.