how to improve IEP's

The problem is public schools have their way of doing things and everything else is essentially off limits or disregarded. In a one-size-fits-all model, recognizing different learning styles and using brain-training and educational coaching to improve a child's ability to learn are simply not recognized.

Understanding a child's learning style and teaching them HOW to learn, is key to their improvement.

ps: I'm NOT talking about the outdated learning style model (visual, auditory, kinesthetic). I'm referring to a new model that uses 4 distinct learning styles, each with its own strengths and weaknesses.

Schools need to STOP trying to change children into something they are not. They need to STOP teaching to a child's weaknesses. They need to understand and appreciate a child's strengths.

Here's an example: A child is identified as having ADHD (possibly Dyslexia). Everyone's talking about what he can't do. He can't focus. He can't pay attention. He can't retain what he reads (probably mis-read and poor comprehension). EVERYONE is focused on what he can't do.

That same child probably has exceptional puzzle-solving skills and pattern recognition. He has amazing visual-spatial acuity, IF he can be taught to use it. With brain-training and some stress-reduction exercises, he could be taught to focus. If taught to read and spell visually rather than auditorally, he can memorize anything. given simple strategies to organize his thoughts, he can be an amazing writer.

Hope that helps.
swish4fish

I recently heard, "The relationship with the therapist is more important than the therapist's intervention."

With convention cognitive therapy, I would completely agree with that statement. This requirement is but one of the limitations of conventional therapy and speaks directly to its ineffectiveness in cases like these.

My personal experience is that solutions to the issues we're discussing will not be found in any cognitive process. The root of these issues are the perceptions and processes which are generated in the unconscious mind. The thoughts, feelings and behaviors that result from these unconscious processes are like the caboose at the end of the train. It is the unconscious perceptions and processes that drive these thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Trying to change someone's thoughts, feelings and behaviors without changing the underlying perceptions and processes is simply pulling on a rubber band. As soon as you let go, it will surely snap back to its original state, hence the overwhelming failure of well-meaning psychologists, psychiatrists, teachers and counselors to bring about any lasting change for these children, teens and adults.

I routinely work with children and teens who are openly distrustful and even hostile to their "enrollment" (under duress) into my program. My approach is not to work at the conscious or cognitive level with these children. Instead, I use a variety of techniques to act on the unconscious mind to bring about changes that the client, themselves, are not even aware of.

Similar to the way the brain learns to process the complex information necessary to ride, over a period of weeks or months, the clients perceptions gradually change and subsequently, so do their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Because these changes are driven by the unconscious, they occur as feeling absolutely natural to the individual.

In essence, I agree with the concept of the statement with the proviso that the rapport and feeling of trust can occur at the unconscious level. With training and practice, this unconscious rapport can be established in as little as a few minutes.

Be aware and present to what is going on with our children

My recent trip to Disneyland, showed that most trips to Disneyland are not child led but adult driven.

An critical step in effective parenting is letting go of our own agenda--what our children should be, instead seeing them for who they are.

Unfortunately good intentions, even good parenting is not enough with the children we're discussing here. While I would not attempt to adequately describe even one of those three types in this space, suffice to say they/we (myself included) are very different than 'normal' folks. We experience the world differently. I was one of these kids and now I work with them every day.

As an identifiable group, we make up 15%-20% of the children today--that's millions of children in the US, alone. Out of the millions, only a small percentage turn violent. Research show that as many as half of these children will manage to find a niche in society that allows them to be relatively successful. Many find their actions driven by fear rather than anger. Many others self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. And a fair percentage give up on the idea of succeeding or fitting in with society and wind up in our courts and jails.

Identifying, understanding and helping these children takes more than good intentions. It takes education and experience. Many of my parents are shocked at the accuracy with which I can describe the struggles their children are having and the struggles that they are having with their children with just a bit of information or a short evaluation. Every often the children are shocked. I recall one very troubled girl turning the her mother saying, "How does he know what's inside my head?"

Dr. Sears, T. Berry Brazelton and many other child specialists are awesome in their advice to parents of 'normal' children. But these children(we) are not normal. Normal parenting books don't apply. Any most of the books and advice that I've read for parenting the ADHD child, the Defiant Child and so on, are for the most part, nonsense.

They seen to be written by well-meaning folks who want to help parents or teachers or counselors turn these other children into normal children. They want to help us think, learn and act like normal children. In my experience it's not going to happen.

Probably the biggest difference between the work I do with children and the work of others is I don't make them wrong for who they are. I'm not trying to change them or help them be like the other kids. I don't compare them to 'normal' kids. I simply try to understand them and appreciate them for who they are. I help them develop their natural gifts to support them in their goals--their agenda. I help them believe in themselves.

BTW - this group of children--the same group of children that are at risk--these are the children that ultimately shape our world (for good or ill). These children are the creative, often driven, outside-the-box thinkers, who defy convention, defy 'what is' in pursuit of that which does not yet exist. They(we) are not deterred by social conventions nor are we constrained by current memes. We exist at the boundary of chaos--when new ideas and new possibilities are born.

For many Children, Negative Emotions are like Blood to a Shark

As parents, we all experience negative emotions--anger, frustration, disappointment--from time to time. It’s absolutely normal and healthy. And it’s probably important for our children to see that we are human and can express our emotions in a healthy way.

But for many children, negative emotions are like blood to a shark. In a way it makes sense. Just about any psychologist can tell you that underneath all negative emotions is fear. And we all know that if you can elicit fear from an “adversary”, you gain a distinct advantage.

I suspect that children understand this on an instinctual level. They learn very quickly how to elicit negative emotions from one or both parents and, as many parents have noticed, will quite often pass up the opportunity to receive a positive emotional response in favor of a negative emotional response.

So, what happens when a child learns that he or she can elicit negative emotions from one or both parents? What can we do as parents? How can we keep our children from making us jump through these emotional hoops?

The short answer is let go of negative emotions. Get therapy, practice yoga, scream into a pillow, do whatever you need to do release negative emotions in a way that is NOT in front of your child. Whatever your child does, remain calm and cool-headed. Remember, when you show anger or frustration, what your child sees is FEAR. In that moment, he or she will instinctively know that he or she has gained the upper hand.
Once this pattern is established, it can be very, very, very tough to break. It will take time and persistence to regain cooperation and trust—trust that you as the parent are in control. The child may continue to push those buttons for some time and may even take more extreme measures to elicit those old emotions.

The best advice I can offer is to not take things too seriously. Try to find the humor in whatever is happening. Keep those boundaries realistic and firm. And always follow through with logical/reasonable consequences when necessary. Sometimes a bit of professional coaching can help to improve communication and "break the cycle" of negative emotions. In just about any circumstance, it’s hard to beat love and affection.

Disneyland: the most stressful place on earth?

It’s been 7 years that I’ve been helping children, teens and adults in overcoming the effects of ADHD and Autistic Spectrum Disorders—7 years since I’ve come to grips with my own struggle with ADHD. So when the wife, daughter and I arrived at Disneyland, I was happy, excited and totally expecting to have a good time. We went through the gates, walked up main street, headed for the magic kingdom. It was amazing--watching the parade, seeing the world of Disney through the eyes of our 4-year-old daughter. We were having a wonderful time.

However, after about 4 hours, something began to happen--something I was not expecting and something I'd not really experienced in a number of years.
As we weaved in an out of the crowds, I became more and more uncomfortable. My posture shifted to one that was braced for impact. My chin dropped slightly. My lips ever so slightly pursed. My eyes continuously scanning the crowd. At the time I was unaware that my unconscious mind had become more and more alert to the subtle signs of stress and anxiety among the other patrons. By closing time, even my wife noticed that I seemed to be in a world of my own and my walk had an unmistakable swagger. On a scale of 1 to 10, my hyper-alertness was about a 9.5.

The next morning I was acutely aware of my stress level as well as some very old stress-related behaviors that I had not experienced in several years. Most notably among them was unconsciously tracking my footsteps to avoid cracks and breaks in the paving as well as the myriad of invisible lines created by the corners of wall, doors, columns, furniture, and other architectural features.

If I may just to the end, I was able to walk myself through a short series of physical and mental exercises to restore myself to a relatively relaxed and focused state that was much more conducive to an enjoyable day at Disneyland.

My reason for relating this experience is that anyone, particularly children, with the physical and emotional sensitivities common to ADHD and other ASD’s, is likely to be vulnerable to this type of response to large crowds or stimulating events. (Some of you may recall my experience of becoming overwhelmed during the first game of the 2010 world series.)

It was only the result of my intimate understanding of ADHD and my extensive training in techniques to overcome the effects of ADHD that enabled me to first, become aware of my stress response and over-stimulation, and second, have the tools to do something about it.

Your typical ADHD or ASD child will have no such awareness or tools at his disposal. As his nervous system becomes more and more overloaded by the conflicting sea of emotions and unconscious sensations, he will most than likely feel more and more anxious and dissociated until, ultimately, he releases his anxiety upon whomever he feels is safe to deliver his wrath.

As parents, it is up to us to see beyond how we think our children “should” feel or should respond to a given situation and be present to how they are actually responding. As parents of ADHD or ASD children, we must be even more vigilant to those situations that will overstimulate or over-stress our children. For more information and parent training programs, visit http://www.swish4fish.com

There are Four Communication Styles (and they're not what you think).

Anyone involved with communication or education has had the 3 communication styles drilled into them--Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic. We routinely talk about people being visual or auditory thinkers.

While this model has proven helpful in some areas of communication, it is at best, an over-simplification of a complex process and with respect to education (a critical aspect of communication). Research now shows that the Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic model of teaching/learning to be completely ineffective and in many cases has actually impeded effective learning for many children and adults.

After spending the last six years deconstructing how children communicate, learn and process information, the model of learning and communication that I have identified more closely resembles the four Greek Temperents: Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholic and Phlegmatic.

The model is based on two sets of opposing thought processes: Visual vs. Auditory and Logical vs. Kinesthetic. Each set can be though of as a continuum or spectrum from one extreme to another. It should be noted that we, as human beings are a collection of all four processes, however far we may lean to one side of the spectrum.

So the four "new" communication or learning styles are: Visual-Kinsethetic (Sanguine), Visual-Logical (Choleric), Auditory-Kinesthetic (Melancholic), and Auditory-Logical (Phlegmatic). See image.

For fun and clarity, I've also correlated these four communication/learning styles to the four main characters in Winnie the Pooh. The Choleric is Rabbit. The Sanguine is, of course, Tigger. The Melancholic is Eeyore. And the thoughtful Phlegmatic is Pooh. Lastly, for those familiar with the Meyers-Briggs meta-programs, I have included their approximate location in the model as well.

For help with communication and learning, visit our web site, http://www.swish4fish.com

Are you teaching your child to ignore you?

Many parents tell me how many times they have to repeat themselves before they can get their kids to do what they're asking. This is not healthy and could even be dangerous.

As parents, we are responsible to teach our child and keep him or her safe. We can do neither effectively if the child simply ignores us. So what can be done?

First, we must realize that our child may have a very different way of processing information. This means that we, as the parents, must find a more effective way to communicate.

Second, we should never have to repeat the same request or directive more than twice.

Our first communication should include getting the child's attention along with a clear, concise statement of the task using the communication style of the child. There should be a reasonable time frame to allow the child to transition to the new task (usually 2 minutes).

Our second communication should also include getting the child's attention, a clear restatement of the task AND the addition of the 'threat' of consequences. (Consequences, should be reasonable and appropriate.)

Finally, if the task is not begun and accomplished in the reasonable time frame, it is time to take the child and gently assist them in completing the task. At this point, the consequences must apply.

Obviously, this is just an overview. There are many variations and important subtleties to this method, including, getting to know and appreciating our child's natural communication style.

When implemented with consistency, this method should help reduce a pattern of not listening.

Oh, BTW, if you have a child who is a visually creative, outside-the-box, thinker, its almost never helpful to say, "Did you hear what I said?" or "Are you listening to me?" Try, instead to speak in short (15 second max) bursts, asking for one specific answer or task at a time, while using phrases like, "Is that clear to you?" or "Can you SEE what I'm saying?"