The Animal School

Once upon a time, all the animals got together and decided that they must do something to prepare their young to face the challenges of the world, and so they organized a school. They adopted a curriculum of running, climbing, swimming and flying. And to make sure all animals were competent in all of the important skills, all the animal children had to take all of the subjects.

Duck was an excellent swimmer, better in fact than his instructor, and made passing grades in flying, but he was very poor in running. Because he was slow in running, he had to stay after school and also spend less time swimming, in order to spend more time practicing his running. This was continued until his webbed feet were badly worn and he was only average in swimming. But, average was acceptable in the new animal school, so nobody worried about that except the Duck.

Rabbit started at the top of her class in running, but later she had a nervous breakdown because of so much make-up work in swimming.

Squirrel was excellent in climbing until he developed frustration in flying class, where his teacher made him start from down on the ground instead of from up in the treetops. His feelings of frustration spilled over into all his other classes and he ended up with a C in climbing and a D in running.

The newest student in the school was a strange animal called the Snakehead fish. He was very different from the other animals and often felt out of place.

At first he struggled and was behind in almost every subject. But by the end of the year the Snakehead fish, which could swim well and climb trees and also walk on land, was the number one student in the entire school and was voted valedictorian of his class.

EMOTIONS: Past and Present

It is important to distinguish between three types of anger/emotions: the first is an anger/emotion resulting from a current experience; the second is an anger/emotion resulting from the re-stimulation of a past event; while the third is an anger/emotion resulting from the sudden release of anger which has been repressed from previous emotional events.

The first type of anger is generally correlated to the immediate circumstances (or to one's perception of the circumstances). When this type of Emotional Fire Alarm sounds, it is typically appropriate to the current circumstances and often useful in navigating (surviving) the situation.

The second type of anger is often less useful and possibly detrimental to the effectiveness of the individual as it is often not related to the current circumstances. In addition to the anger itself, the re-stimulation typically brings with it a behavior which, while it may have been completely appropriate to the past event, is most likely less appropriate to the current circumstances.

Lastly, the third type of anger/emotion is the least useful. It is the most dangerous and potentially destructive type of anger/emotion. Because it is the result of unreleased (suppressed) emotion, it is typically released at explosive and sometimes uncontrollable levels. It is rarely if ever appropriate or useful to the current circumstances.

IMHO, "Venting" anger may be an indication of either type two or three anger. Flying into a full on rage because your pen ran out of ink may be a warning of some significant unresolved issues.

Emotional Fire Alarms

Emotional Fire Alarms (Fear, Anger, Sadness, Guilt, and now Depression) were given to us (by God or nature, take your pick) to let us know that something is wrong, i.e., we're doing something with violates our values, we're not achieving our goals or expectations, we're in a dangerous place or we've lost something we value.

Whatever the reason, our Emotional Fire alarms make a loud noise to let us know something is wrong and that we need to take some kind of action--FAST!

We all know that when there is a fire, we exit the building--IMMEDIATELY!. We don't sit at our desks and finish reading our emails. We don't call a doctor to get him to stop this loud ringing in your ears. We TAKE ACTION to get ourselves to safety. An sure enough, as soon as we're outside and safe, the ringing in our head stops.

The truth is, we were NEVER designed to live with constant Fire Alarms going off in our heads. Our performance suffers. Our bodies suffer. We're not even designed to digest our food properly when we are under the stress of an Emotional Fire Alarm.

The problem is that in our society, we've gotten too accustomed to living with Fire Alarms going off in our head. We try to eat and work and learn and love with this CLANG, CLANG, CLAG... going on in our heads. How can anyone live like that and maintain their sanity?

Something we teach both parents and children at the Learning Center is to recognize a Emotional Fire Alarm as soon as it goes off, find the source of the Alarm, and take whatever action is needed to make the alarm stop. This is our Sanity Clause.

Who am I?

It was said that Bodhidarma (the first Patriarch of Zen) sat facing a wall for nine years listening to the ants scream. A Seeker came to Bodhidarma and begged that Bodhidarma give him peace for his soul. Finally, as a token of his sincerity, the man cut off his right arm and presented it to Bodhidarma as a token of his sincerity.

Bodhidarma said to the Seeker, “If you want peace of Soul, you must bring me your soul.”

To which the man replied, “That’s the problem. I cannot find my soul, much less bring it to you.”

“Then you see,” said Bodhidarma, “I have given you peace of soul.”

If the “I”, the “I am”, is not simply a noun, but is, in fact, a verb, if the “I am” does not exist as an “is” but as a being, then the answer to the question, “Who am I?” is simply snapshot in time, a retrospective look at who I was being at a given moment—a moment, however recent, from my past.

If the “I am” is an expression of being, then any answer to the question, “Who am I?” is, in reality, an answer to the question, “Who was I being?”. As Heidegger wrote, “Diesin (man as being) understands itself as its possibility to be or not to be itself.”

If the “I am” is an expression of being, then the more appropriate or empowering questions for us to ask ourselves may be, "Who am I being?" or “Who am I becoming?” or “Who am I as possibility?”

Is your child a mismatcher?

Parents, does your child love to disagree with just about anything you say? If you say it's black, does he say, "White"? If you say, "Day", does he say, "Night"? It could be your child is a mis-matcher.

As a group, mis-matchers may be the most misunderstood children. Even in their own family, they may be branded as defiant, rebellious or insolent. One mom brought her child to me and introduced him to me as, "My little monster." Their propensity for disagreement can stretch the patience of any same parent. In short, parenting a mis-matcher can be frustrating and challenging.

If you think your child may be a mis-matcher, try giving this simple test to your child.

Take three quarters and arranged them on a table to form a small triangle (about 3" high") with two of the quarters showing the 'heads' side up and one of the quarters showing the 'tails' side up.

Ask your child this question: "Look at the three quarters and tell me what you notice about the relationship between these quarters?" Listen carefully to his initial response. His initial response will likely take one of two forms.

Response #1: He will first notice a Similarity between the quarters, i.e., ALL the quarters from a triangle, or they are ALL quarters. Or

Response #2: He will first notice a DIFFERENCE between the quarters, i.e., ONE quarter is tails and TWO are heads, or two quarters are in a line and the other is not.

If your child gives response #2, he may be a mis-matcher.

You can repeat this test by drawing three similar rectangles, in the configuration below.

Again, ask your child this question: "Look at the drawing and tell me what you notice about the relationship between the rectangles?" Listen carefully to his initial response and pay particular attention to the first and second answers.

Again, if your child first notices how the rectangles are different, i.e., one is vertical and two are horizontal, he may be a mis-matcher.

The first thing to remember is that your child's mis-matching IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Mis-matching is simply a mental program, a strategy, a way of dealing with or processing information. It's not personal.

While it is important not to reward the mismatching strategy, it is also important not to punish the child for a very natural thought process that is beyond his understanding and control.

Something I find helpful in facilitating communication with a mis-matcher is to ask him for HIS ideas on a given subject. When done correctly, the subject, i.e., going to the grocery store, becomes a presupposition to the conversation and the focus is not whether or not we're going to the store. Going to the grocery store is like a fact--it's a given.

The conversation becomes about HOW we're going to the grocery store? What are the possibilities for going to the grocery store? Or what might we do AFTER we go to the grocery store?

It is almost never a good idea to argue with the mis-matcher. The argument will almost always be about the "how", "what", or "when" to do something. If you can, instead, convey the intention or need behind the how/what/when, you can offer the mis-matcher the chance to participate in the conversation by offering his own possibilities (positive contribution) as opposed to negating whatever you say.

Again, the most important thing to remember is that the mis-matching strategy is not personal. It's not defiance. It's not an attempt to undermine your parenting authority. It is simply a way of processing information. Remember: "Driving every behavior is a positive intention."